i DON’T have an answer

Sometimes there are seasons in life where nothing seems to have a clear answer. One can ask a question, more to ponder it for themselves than to get advice from others, but end up with a million conflicting ideas anyway. At other times, they needn’t even ask the question aloud–someone else asks (and answers) it for them.

If you haven’t already guessed, I’m in the middle of one of those seasons right now. I’m a senior in high school which means that, naturally, everyone in the world finds it their mission to ask me one question. And one question ONLY.

So…where are YOU going to college? What are YOU going to study? What is YOUR life goal?

Um…no pressure, right?

Right.

WRONG.

When I was younger, I had my whole life mapped out. Graduate high school, go to college, get a Ph.D, and become a college professor and orchestra conductor.

And then…writing.

Writing opened up a new world to me, one filled with ups, downs, and more joy than I could ever imagine. When I started writing, my first book was about a violinist. I used my writing as a way to express my love for music. And then it happened. I started writing for the sake of writing.

The book about the violinist got abandoned on an ancient hard drive and a new book, the book of my heart, took over.

Before I knew it, I had a new dream:

I wanted to be a writer. A published one. One who could write for a living.

Now that I’ve started down the road to fulfilling that dream, the thought of spending twelve years in college to obtain a degree in something that is no longer my main goal doesn’t set well with me. Don’t get me wrong. I still love music, but I don’t like the idea of making it my CAREER, something I HAVE TO DO. I want music to be there for me when I need a soft spot, a place to lay my worries down for a while and just play.

^rabbit trail^

Let’s see…where was I?

College, right.

Writers don’t make enough to support themselves. I get that. So…what DO I want to do?

I don’t have an answer when people ask me their usual “let’s-torture-a-high-school-senior” questions. It doesn’t help that I have offers for scholarships I didn’t apply for and some of the biggest schools in the nation sending me letters every day. Add the fact that my SAT scores were among those in the top 2% of the nation, and people are shaking their heads in dismay, tsk-tsking their tongues, and murmuring about the intelligence I’m wasting by not jetting off to get my Ph.D.

But am I wasting my intelligence by writing books? By connecting with others? By hoping that, one day, I’ll pen a story that will touch thousands?

Is it a shame that my dream isn’t to go to Harvard, Yale, or MIT and someday win the Nobel Prize?

No, wait…I’ll take that Nobel Prize. For literature.

And, now, here I am, almost five hundred words into the blog post and you’re all scratching your heads like why’s she telling ME all of this?

I’m telling you because I want you to know that it’s okay.

If you don’t have the answers yet, IT’S. OKAY.

Right now, I have a lot of questions, and a lot of answers from the world, but I don’t have a peace in my heart about what to do, where to go, how to live my life. But I’m trusting God. He has each of my days planned out, written in His book.

I know that, even if I don’t have the answers, He does.

A few weeks ago, I got to see my favorite band, We are Messengers, in concert. (If you haven’t heard of these guys, go look them up right now. Never has an Irish, ex-heavy-metal-band-member put out such an amazing Christian indie rock album.) During the show, they played one of their songs called “I Don’t Have the Answers” and the lyrics have stuck with me . They’re especially helpful right now.

They Sing:

I don’t have the answers, and maybe that’s okay
But we can search together, I’m not running away
And it’s okay to feel, the way that you do
And when you reach the end of yourself, I’ll be there too

When you can’t trust, I’ll trust for you
When you can’t move, I’ll stay with you
You’re not alone, it’s all I can say
I don’t have the answers, and maybe that’s okay

Read more: We Are Messengers – I Don’t Have The Answers Lyrics | MetroLyrics

When I feel overwhelmed, like I can’t begin to answer the pile of questions stacked up in front of me, when I feel I might fall, I know that I have a tightly woven net made up of family and friends waiting to catch me. And I have Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, the Author and Perfecter of my faith on my side. And with God, all things are possible.

So, wherever you’re at today, whether you have everything laid out before you,  planned out until you retire (oh, how I envy you if you do) or whether you’re like me, struggling to bridge the gap between passion and practicality, know that there is always Someone who loves you and will show you His ultimate, perfect way. You need only ask and He will be there beside you.

What are you struggling with today? Share your prayer requests in the comments and I’ll be sure to add you to my prayer list!

11 Comments

  1. *hugs* I understand how you feel! Transition times are really, really tough. But God is with us, and if we knew exactly where He would take us, I don’t think we would accept the path, so having some mystery can be a good thing. Learning to trust Him in these times is the best we can do. <3 Beautiful post and reminder!

  2. Family, acquaintances and completely random strangers: Time to tORTURE A HIGH SCHOOLER!! 😀 😀 😀

    It was hard for me to relax and trust God when I didn’t know WHAT path to take. (And the world is so big and there are so many possibilities.) But I just need to trust that He will walk beside me. 🙂

    (Prayer request – could I maybe ask you to pray for Evan? I follow his blog, so I know he struggles sometimes.)

    1. 🙂 🙂 LOL, exactly–High school torture is NOT finals or midterms…it is nosy people grilling you on your future 🙂 🙂

      I will absolutely pray for Evan.

      Thank you so much for commenting, Jem!

  3. This was a great post. It made me stop for a reality check on my own priorities. Sometimes God calls us to do different things in different seasons of our lives. Thanks.for the remembrance of putting our faith in God that He WILL lead and guide us if we LISTEN to Him.

  4. A lot of people ask these questions as small talk or as a means to be helpful and “guiding.” Unfortunately, there also isn’t much of an awareness that even the cleanest cut plans can fall through or be redirected. It’s not a fault thing. It’s not a waste thing. It’s a “God has different ideas than we do” thing. I’m so glad you’ve come to peace in your heart that It’s. Okay. to change your ideas and to apply your intelligence in the areas YOU are passionate about. NOBODY else is responsible for how you use what you are gifted with but YOU. And only YOU can decide how to go about figuring out how to apply that. And sometimes what we are led to apply our gifts to aren’t things everyone “gets.” But, like you said, that’s okay. 🙂

  5. AHHHH I RELATE SO MUCH!! I’m in college now, but only part-time because I’m trying to pursue writing as well. And I know it’s hard for writers to make a living. I know that I’m starting to get to that age where I need to get my stuff together and know what life will be for me, but… I really don’t know. I only know that writing has to be a part of it. I know there are things that I enjoy and things that will be profitable, but I don’t know how to bring it all together.

    Like you said, though, God does. And until He shows us our way, our job is to keep on trusting Him.

    Praying He’ll give both of us the guidance we need and reveal our next steps. 🙂

    Alexa
    thessalexa.blogspot.com
    verbosityreviews.com

    1. Alexa–so glad to know that there are others out there who are going through the same thing. It’s strangely reassuring to me 😉 Though, of course, I’m not glad for your sake…life can be so confusing! God bless you as you figure out His will for your life…I have no doubt He will use you to do amazing things!

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